Inconvenient Obedience

I grew up in church, so of course I've always heard the importance of having obedience to the Lord and stepping out in faith. But it wasn't until recently that I learned what that actually looks like and how much of a hardship it seems to be in my life. The Lord has been absolutely WRECKING me the past 2 years, and here’s the story: 

While attending Lee, I had the opportunity to graduate a semester early in December of 2023. That would leave me just having a fall semester, which was filled with volleyball games every weekend. I began stressing about where I would get a job, considering I had almost no experience in social work and couldn't believe how someone would hire a 22 year old girl whose only experience is keeping a ball from touching the floor. This was the beginning of my journey learning to be obedient and trust in the Lord’s plan for my life. Of course, I can only see that now after being 2 years post-panic. At that moment, I thought I knew where I would be and what I would do after college. My plan at that time was to stay in my tiny little apartment in Cleveland, get a job working against human trafficking, stay around my friends that were still finishing school, and eventually marry the guy I thought was my future. It all seemed so perfect and planned out by me. But, as most of my plans go, God kindly didn’t agree. I was constantly getting denied or ghosted from jobs located in Cleveland, and I couldn't understand why. I was letting the stress and anxiety consume me, thinking I was the one in control of where I would end up. I remember crying and panicking almost every other day, not knowing where I was going to end up and feeling so out of control. And in the midst of this constant spiral, I couldn't see God was working behind the scenes. The morning after my college volleyball career ended, I received a call from a supervisor in Knoxville wanting to interview me for a job. The Lord was so kind to me to allow me to finish out the season of my life being a college athlete, and wanted me to enjoy every second of it without stressing about jobs or the future. I, of course, still stressed, but looking back He was so kind to protect me and push me to enjoy where I am at in the present. This job offer wasn’t related in any way to human trafficking, so I was hesitant to accept. I had planned for so long and thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do, not to mention the job was located in Knoxville, an hour and a half away from where my life was at the moment. Clearly, I wasn’t getting any offers from someone else, so I interviewed and ended up feeling so excited about the potential of the job. I spent a lot of time in prayer, and felt so at peace about accepting the position. I was slightly disappointed I wouldn't be working in anti-human trafficking, but I would still be fulfilling the calling of working with marginalized communities that I’ve always had a huge heart for. 

Accepting this position meant acknowledging that I would have to move to Knoxville. Two days after graduating, I packed up my apartment and drove to Knoxville. I had only been to Knoxville a handful of times in the past, and had no clue where I was going to live or what good areas were. God made His plan so clear once again by providing a temporary apartment to live in until I could get on my feet a little more. I was officially on my own, in a new city, knowing no one. This is where the fear and doubt began to creep in. All of my friends and the guy I was dating still lived in Cleveland, and for the first 6 months I was there, I had one foot in Knoxville and one foot in Cleveland. Any other weekend I wasn’t there, I was driving home to Georgia to stay with my parents. I was so lonely, the thought of spending a weekend in Knoxville with no plans terrified me. I remember crying every Sunday night driving back to Knoxville. I couldn’t see at the time how much this was hurting me. I was so frustrated with God. I didn’t understand why He had made it seem so clear that I was meant to be here, but hadn’t found any community or longing to stay. I was daydreaming of having my friends move here, or thinking I would move back to Cleveland in a few years and just had to get through this short “season”. My mom ended up being a rock for me at this point of my life. She knew how unhappy I was, and also had the heart to call me out and tell me I wasn’t doing anything to help myself. I decided to attend a church’s young adult night, in hopes of meeting people in the same stage of life as me and building a community. It took weeks for my mom to convince me to go, and one Tuesday night, I worked up the courage to drive myself there. That night, the young adult pastor preached a sermon titled ‘Inconvenient Obedience’. As soon as I heard those two words, tears filled my eyes. I spend many nights praying to God, asking why He couldn’t just reveal to me His big plan that would explain why I’m here. Those two words answered any question I had. I’m required to have inconvenient obedience. The sermon was centered around the story of Gideon in Judges 6. If you have the time, I encourage you to read the whole chapter. The Lord called Gideon to save Israel, yet Gideon was the weakest in his family. When he doubted the Lord and questioned the calling, God promised Gideon that He will be with him and equip him to do what He has called him to do. Sitting in this service was one of those moments I felt like the Lord had carefully crafted the message specifically for my ears. Shortly after this, I moved into an apartment I loved. The relationship I had with the guy in Cleveland ended, I got a dog, and my friends graduated, all going their separate ways. This is when my brain started shifting to viewing Knoxville as home, and not looking for the first excuse to get out. I was open and ready for what the Lord was going to do with me. 

When my relationship ended, I thought my world had turned upside down again. It felt like another small part of my plan was failing. To be honest, I did a lot of things that weren’t completely God-honoring in the relationship in an attempt to make it last. I wanted it to work, I wanted to be married by 23 or 24 and start having kids. I knew the relationship wasn’t ‘good’, although neither of us technically did wrong. We argued, and one morning after an argument I spent a lot of time in prayer. I prayed possibly one of the scariest prayers I had ever prayed. I talked to the Lord, and told Him if the relationship wasn’t in His will, He was going to have to remove it from me, because I couldn’t do it myself. That night, he broke up with me. It hurt, but there was a small glimmer of peace in me that knew it was the Lord answering. In my time of healing, I crafted a ‘husband checklist’, a small list of things the Lord calls me to look for in a husband that I knew I had never experienced before. And when a man completes each check, then I will know he would make a great husband. I was able to heal quickly, because I knew I had received an answer from God. A month and a half after the breakup, I met someone else, and I fell hard. I had never been loved in that way. I thought it was a sign he was the one. I met people through him, went to church with him, and thought he was the reason I was in Knoxville. However, I was scared to pray if he was the one or not. So I didn’t. He wasn’t checking each box in my checklist, but he matched a lot of them, so I thought it was okay. Over time, I started finding my values beginning to change to match his. And this is when it started getting dangerous. I knew we didn’t share the same biblical opinions, and in an attempt to stay with him, I started considering changing them. And in this exact moment, God interceded on my behalf. The guy broke up with me,and I didn’t see it coming at all. I had never experienced this level of heartbreak. In my last relationship, I could see God’s hand in it, but I chose to be blinded in this one. I’m still not completely healed. But I've been away from it long enough now to know God perfectly timed the ending of the relationship. He allowed me to be loved in a way no man has ever loved me before, and took him away before I could damage myself. I always say that people are in your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And while I thought he would be there for a lifetime, God knew it was just for a season. And He knew that this would make me rely on Him like I never have before. It was yet another inconvenience, but there was an obedience required out of me to turn to Him to be healed. Nothing else in this world could do it. Not another relationship, not friends or family, not all the self-help books I could get my hands on. Only the perfect love of the Father was going to heal my heart from this level of heartbreak. I allowed fear back in. I’m 23 and newly single. My ‘perfect’ plan to be married right after college and be a young mom wasn't coming to fruition. And I had to learn that it is okay. Because I know that in 50 years when I reflect back on my life, I’m going to see how the Lord’s plan ended up being so much greater than what I thought would be perfect. That brings so much peace! God has never been late for anyone, and I don’t think He is going to start with me. 

This blog isn't meant to give advice or encouragement, because I don’t want it to seem like I am healed completely and have everything figured out and never struggle. That is definitely not the case. I want to explain where I am now, and how I got here. I am finally taking the steps needed to build community here, and it is just the beginning. I just wanted to share how the Lord has been shaping my heart the past few years living in Knoxville. Maybe I will never know the reason He has me here, but I can already confidently say that I am so grateful for how He has been teaching me to have a radical and inconvenient obedience since living here.

With love, 

Kam 

(oh, and of course I had to get ‘inconvenient obedience’ tattooed on my arm)