fully known & loved.
It seems like Valentine’s Day is either a loved holiday or a hated one. You are either all into the celebration, flowers, and chocolates, or you despise the day and wish it never existed. Personally, Valentine’s Day has always been exciting for me. But I love almost every holiday there is and I especially love finding a reason to celebrate. Even for the years I have been single on the special day, I love Galentine’s celebrations and buying myself candy or flowers. I have a pj set full of different colored hearts and would probably decorate my apartment if it wasn't absolutely ridiculous to do so. However, two Valentine’s Days ago, I found myself feeling very lonely and isolated. I felt like everyone I knew was either dating, engaged, married, or even receiving attention from boys when I felt hidden. I had just gotten out of an almost two-year relationship two months before. One month before, I rededicated my life to Jesus. I knew the relationship I was in wasn’t God-centered, and I felt the Lord pushing me to be single and turn back to Him. It was a hard decision, and I was scared of the idea of leaving college without being engaged, or even close to it. But I stepped out in faith, ended the relationship, and turned to the One that would never let me down.
Unfortunately, that was something I didn’t learn right away. The month of February rolled around, and I was still relearning who the Lord was. I was still fearful of not feeling chosen, just because I knew I would be graduating college without accomplishing Ring by Spring. I had limited God’s power by believing if I didn’t have a boyfriend by the time college was over, then I would never meet anyone and be alone forever. To be completely raw and vulnerable, being single for the rest of my life here on earth is still a scary feeling. But I had to learn of a love that this world cannot offer me, to completely rest in the peace that my purpose here on this earth is not to be married. I was reading a book at the time by Lysa TerKeurst titled, UnInvited. The book teaches how to continue living loved when you feel less-than, left out, and lonely. If anyone can relate to that, let this be an encouragement for you to read that book! There was a specific passage I ended up taking a picture of while reading. To give a little background, it is talking about healing from specific hurts the world offers and learning to place your joy in spite of that. It states, “If we place our hope and future in the hands of our unchanging, unflinching God who never leaves us or forsakes us, we’ll find healing and freedom.” Knowing that, I felt confident in resting in the unknown of who I would marry or if I even would. I found freedom in placing more importance in my relationship with God than I ever have while dating a boy.
In all of my past relationships before this point, I had placed the boy I was dating on a pedestal. He was who I looked to for acceptance, purpose, and to tell me I was loved. If he didn’t tell me, I wouldn't believe it. So when I was single, I heard nothing. Meaning I believed nothing. Once I started believing that, the Lord was kind enough to quickly remove the lies and remind me of the truth. You see, no boy will ever love me the way I want to be loved. And that isn’t a bad thing, it just reminds us that we are all imperfect people. We are going to mess up, say something wrong, ask for forgiveness, and repeat. Because we live in a fallen world, we are going to hurt each other. But there is a perfect love that will never hurt us. I spent 21 years of my life looking for this perfect love in an imperfect person. How unfair of me to hold someone to that standard. But when I turned my eyes to the One who calls me beloved daughter, I found the perfect love I had been longing for. The song ‘Love Note’ by Upperroom is a beautiful depiction of the love God has for us. God constantly reminds me that I am not alone, I am created in His image, blessed with good community, and so so loved. I pray this post may be a reminder to anyone who may be struggling during this month or holiday season. Psalm 139 is a beautiful chapter that reminds me of just how much the Lord cares for me. I wrote it out and taped it to my bathroom mirror, so that every time I look in the mirror, I am reminded of the way He uniquely curated me and loves me.
You are so loved by Jesus, the only one that can wholly love us in our desperate and broken moments. It can be something that is SO hard to remember when you are single and feeling lonely, but luckily we have written reminders in the Word at the tip of our fingers. Let me encourage anyone who might be feeling this way, open the Bible and read of the love Jesus has for you. I pray it can bring peace and clarity of the perfect love we have in such a broken world. Let it be something you can hold onto this month & forever.
With love,
Kam
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